FOXBOROUGH, MA (AP) – Bill Belichick announced this morning that the New England Patriots had signed eight celebrities to play the quarterback position for next week’s game against the Buffalo Bills. The unexpected move takes place while regular starting quarterback Tom Brady is unavailable, as he is serving a suspension for a violation that never actually happened.
“Seeing as how we’re only playing the Bills, we thought this would be a great opportunity to show kids that science and the humanities are just as important as sports,” explained Belichick. “And that literally anyone can beat the Bills.”
Next week’s starting quarterbacks will include actress Betty White, Grammy award-winning musician Stevie Wonder, Game of Thrones actor Peter Dinklage, and British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. Each celebrity is slated to play only one-half of each quarter, or three touchdowns – whichever comes first.
“We figured as long as we didn’t feature more than eight quarterbacks, each of them could get a touchdown,” explained Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels. “If one of them starts scoring too many we’ll give them a break and send in the next celebrity.”
The Patriots wouldn’t release the names of all of the new quarterbacks, stating that they wanted to surprise the fans during the game, as it would most likely be a very high-scoring snooze fest.
“Last night against Houston I had all our guys play with their sneakers on the wrong feet,” shared Matt Patricia, the Patriots defensive coordinator. “Since Houston wasn’t going to take the game seriously, and they sent out that overpaid, overrated quarterback, I figured I’d challenge my guys to help keep them sharp for when we eventually play a real team. Obviously that won’t be our next game, but sometime this season I’m sure it may happen.”
When asked for comment about this exciting new approach to the game, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threw his chair through a window.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft said that if this upcoming event is a hit with the fans, the Patriots have plans to feature eight different Muppets characters for the October 9th game against Cleveland.
“And not people dressed as the Muppets,” clarified Kraft, “I mean like 72-year-old Frank Oz with his arm up the butt of Grover, using those little black sticks to try to hike and throw the ball.”
When contacted for comment, Buffalo Bills coach Rob Ryan told everyone to go fuck themselves.
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