Fuck This Election

So sometime early this morning I just decided that I don’t care about the US Presidential election anymore, and I feel really good right now. It’s like this giant weight has been taken off my shoulders.

I’m resigned to the fact that, come January, I’m going to be involved in some major war as our US government and great renaissance civilization collapses like Rome. I know this will happen because I read online news, and every media channel tells me this is certain.

See, if Hillary Clinton is elected, she is going to instruct the government to take all privately-owned guns and assume a dictatorship (if Obama doesn’t do it first). That will force me, as a gun owner, to run into the woods of the Blue Hills, or maybe the swamps of Squantum, and live as an outlaw – fighting a guerrilla war against the US military.

Then again, if Trump wins, being a white male privileged citizen, I’m going to be conscripted into the new US Nazi Party and forced to herd up all US Muslims and other targeted groups and either deport them, or force them into prison camps. If I don’t wear the Nazi uniform, I’ll be forced to flee to the woods of the Blue Hills, or maybe the swamps of Squantum, to live as an outlaw – fighting a guerrilla war with my Muslim, black, and female brothers and sisters against the US military.

Yet also I learned this morning that, regardless of who wins, both Hillary and The Donald have done enough damage to foreign relations that China is going to start a war with us once the new President takes office. So I’ll either have to join the Army to fight China, or, if China attacks all Red Dawn style, I’ll be forced to flee to the woods of the Blue Hills, or maybe the swamps of Squantum, to live as a rebel fighter.

Since it doesn’t matter what I do, and I’m going to war in some shape or form come January, I figure I only have a few months left to enjoy myself. I don’t want to waste any more time stressing about something that I’m told every single day I can’t control. I’m still going to vote for a third-party candidate come November, because that is literally the only way we will ever be able to break away from this stupid two-party system. And it doesn’t matter what I do, according to every single person on social media.

So if you want to hang out before the next war, hit me up and I’ll try to free up some time once the kids go to bed. And until then, all I’ve got left to say, I guess, is,

WOLVERINES!