MASERU, Lesotho (AP) – The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2024 summer games will be held in Lesotho, a small landlocked nation in South Africa.
Due to the overwhelming success of the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, officials couldn’t wait to incease the excitement by choosing an even more unbalanced nation for the ancient games.
“Rio de Janeiro is a fucking timebomb!” exclaimed Olympics official Mathis Van den Heever. “The hillsides are stacked with 11 million people living in ramshackle slums constructed without concern for any safety or building code. It’s prime landslide real estate. We’re just one heavy rain from this year’s Olympic games being buried in four meters of corrugated steel, mud, bodies, and 2016 Golden State Warriors NBA Champions t-shirts!”
Other serious concerns have arisen this year with the outbreak of the Zika virus, and this week the discovery of a drug-resistant super bacteria living in the waters off its famous beaches.
“It’s what happens when you directly pour hospital waste and raw sewage into your beaches,” noted Olympic official Jurgen Ramirez Damaso. “We’ve informed the sailing teams to not fall in the water during any of the sailing events.”
Lesotho is seen as an impressive step up to the instability posed by Rio to international athletes.
“Lesotho’s murder rate is the fifth highest in the world,” explained Pierre LeGrand, scouting official for the IOC. “Also it has one of the highest populations of AIDs worldwide. One out of every three adults is infected.”
When pressed to explain the value of these figures, LeGrand expounded, “Think about it: would you want to inject steroids in Maseru [the capital city of Lesotho]? Do you trust a Maseru needle? How badly do you want that gold medal? It really ups the game of the athletes. It makes them need to want it more.”
Sources also noted the dilapidated economy as being a giant boon for the games.
“One can’t live off blood diamonds alone,” noted Lesothian economist Dikotsi Lepolesa. “Our economy is in a shambles. Once Lesothians see the billions pouring in for the games, they will find ways to profit. Imagine how exciting it will be when the Canadian female gymnastics team is taken hostage by terrorists, only to find the kidnappers are members of our own police anti-terror team?!”
An added value to the Lesotho games may be the immediate return on investment.
“With Rio de Janeiro, not everything we’re getting will be seen right away,” added Van den Heever. “All of the young women participating in the games may experience horrible birth defects for the next five, ten, twenty, or more years. How does that help us now? We need immediate return on investments for our sponsors. That’s why Lesotho makes so much sense. If someone is going to get shot, or a military coup or junta is going to take place, it will take place during the two weeks the games are on television – now *that* is an immediate return on investment!”
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