CAPE CANAVERAL (AP) – National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that there is probably extraterrestrial life in the Universe. He made the announcement here at Cape Canaveral at 1:04pm, hours after releasing the Wells Report, which announced that Tom Brady probably cheated in a playoff game last year.
“Look, we have never seen an alien, and we haven’t heard any speak to us from deep space,” Goodell admitted to a packed press room at the Kennedy Space Center. “Thing is, there are a lot of unknown objects traveling through the night sky, and from a statistical perspective, it’s simply more probable than not that alien life forms do exist.”
“It’s simple math,” explained Goodell. “The Universe is infinite, so that means there are infinite chances for life to begin on distant planets. You give enough monkeys enough typewriters, eventually they’re going to build a spaceship, or maybe even administer a national sporting league.”
When asked for documented proof that objects in the night sky were alien space craft, Goodell handed the microphone to Theodore V. Wells, Jr., the author of the Wells Report.
“The NFL officials looking through the telescope that night did not keep written records of their observations,” explained Wells. “You have to understand that there are only about 189 days from the end of the Super Bowl until the first preseason game this year. There simply isn’t enough time for our officials to write down every alien life form and space ship they see through their telescopes!”
Wells did use a projector screen to show the press tweets between a New England Patriots cheerleader and a woman who works in the back office at Foxboro showing how it is common knowledge that aliens exist.
@GinaPomPoms27: “OMG, I just asked Tom Brady his favorite movie and he said it was Men In Black!”
@ChrissytPats617: “You’re not supposed to talk to Tom!”
@GinaPomPoms27: “Its K, nobody saw.”
Wells showed another series of tweets between the two women solidifying the chances that aliens do exist.
@ChrissytPats617: “Does Tom like space movies?”
@GinaPomPoms27: “Dunno but he smiled and said he believes in aliens.”
@ChrissytPats617: “SW00000N!”
NASA plans on continuing its research partnership with the NFL through the rest of the off-season.
After the conference, Goodell spoke to reporters outside, and lauded the success of Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay for discovering the lost city of Atlantis last week.
“Jim is a modern-day Magellan!” beamed Goodell. “He got high as a kite on Rumple Minze and crystal meth and drove his truck off of route 67 into the White River just outside of Muncie. He said thatAtlantis is a thriving underwater metropolis, and that he had a long discussion with their emperor before county rescue pulled him from the submerged truck.”
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